I’ve been there, maybe you have too. As a new dad it’s hard to figure out how to be helpful. I’ve got some quick tips that I found useful to well…feel useful. A lot of these probably fall into the range of common sense, but everyone does it a little differently. I’m sure some folks have ways that I hadn’t considered before too.
Tip #1: Breast feeding is hard. Make it as easy as possible for mom.
The takeaway from classes and nurses you’d think it’s this magical natural thing that will just happen. I’m sure it was that way for some people, but it wasn’t natural at all for us and it’s very stressful (it’s early on and you’re already like “Baby, just do what I want you to!”. Thus I decided my goal was to have Carin focus only on breast feeding for the beginning and I tried to take care of all the other stuff.
Why? Let’s break it down. Early on in a baby’s life, you’ll find that the doctor primarily wants to know “how much does the baby weigh?” They’re supposed to lose weight post birth and gain it back. Well how does a baby gain weight? It eats. Who feeds it? Mostly mom. If baby isn’t gaining weight back…well…there could be a number of reasons. But many moms will take that as direct feedback that they aren’t doing a good job feeding and it’s not a far leap from that to them feeling like they’re a bad mom. Dads. You don’t want this. No one is sleeping well and breast feeding strip mines the body’s nutrients. Also there’s postpartum to watch out for. Be positive and alleviate other factors which brings me to the following tips.
Tip #2 (Kinda): Discuss with your partner and have a clear understanding what night duty looks like.
One thing that was difficult to figure out early on was how to handle baby’s night schedule. You’re both sleep deprived, if you’ve decided to go the route of breastfeeding (either directly or via pump) that means that mommy is up anyways, paternal leave (if you get it) is usually much shorter than maternity leave which means you have job duties on top of daddy duties. Does it make sense to also be up? Cop out answer…it depends. Work it out with mom. That way everyone knows what to expect. I found it useful to wake up and help with the diaper changes and provide moral support early on, but as we settled into “normalcy” I stopped staying up for the night time feeds as much.
Tip #3: Clean the pump and bottles
If breast feeding was established it means you’re going to run into the pump at some point. These pumps have a ton of small parts that need to stay clean. If you’re not using the pump that means you have a ton more bottles to clean…bottles can also have quite a few small parts. Help mom. Wash the parts. Mom may also have a certain way she’d like the stuff washed. Just follow her rules on this. Carin dislikes washing them and grandma watches P all day so at home I’m the one primarily washing the bottles and pump parts. We also have a separate washing and drying rack for these parts. I do it that way.
Tip #4: Little things add up
You may be noticing a theme, but help out with things when you can. Volunteer to: change a diaper, feed him solids, wash the mess after trying to feed him solids, help bathe him, put him to sleep, etc. It helps your partner out, but guess what. It’s cliché, but these are the Dad things that you should appreciate while you can.
Tip #5: Give your partner a break
If you think being Dad is a full time job, just imagine being Mom. I feel like I have to work twice as hard to pull my Dad weight because a lot of the kid stuff just naturally falls with mom. Sometimes it’s nice for mom to just have a break without the kid. It might be a night out or lunch with friends. It might even be as simple as coffee break and some reading. We’re all 3 dimensional people, but that can be easy to forget while parenting.
Tip #6: Clean up after the kid
Once the kid is a bit older they’ll probably have an area to play in. And that place will likely be a mess by the end of the day. Help out by cleaning and resetting the area. I do believe that consistency and order helps them have certain expectations which makes life easier for everyone. Carin is a much more…clean and organized individual than I might be and while we have different philosophies on cleaning (I may have said that cleaning is moving things from A to B…) when it comes to P’s stuff I reset his area.
Disclaimer: I say Mom/Dad a lot, but the tips are meant to be applicable for all family types. I’m writing from my personal experience where Mom/Dad are the terms we use.
